WTB 3 - Admonitions from Moses

I have a tendency to sink in to mental lethargy and depression. Depression is, at its heart, a selfish illness. The world closes in to only you and how you see it in that moment. I don't mean it's about living in the present; rather (at least for me) it includes taking all the garbage from the past and bringing the shame of that to this moment while also looking into the future and projecting that shame and hopelessness onto those experiences to come, as well. It shrinks everything to only your own perceptions of self and flippantly disregards the kindness and love that others have towards you. It makes everything about 'me' and 'I' and the negatives of the world.

In writing Deuteronomy 4, Moses had a few admonishments for me as I wallowed in self-pity. Deuteronomy 4 is a fantastic chapter all the way around. I could probably spend weeks fleshing out the many important things shared in this particular portion of Moses' writings. But what really knocked me upside the head is:

You must be very careful not to forget the things you have seen God do for you. Keep reminding yourselves, and tell your children and grandchildren, as well. (4:9, CEV)

In my deepest moments of depression, I am feeding my mental imbalance (in an all-you-can-eat buffet) by remembering what I have done for myself and how badly it turned out. I am showing my husband, my friends, my family and most importantly my child how much I dwell on my own actions and sense of self. And as I am sitting in the middle of my own echoing head, wallowing in the muck and mud of Me, here comes Moses with his staff raised, reminding me I must be very careful, because I'm replacing God in these moments.

I've been living a rather supernatural life for almost 3 years. Truly, it's been astonishing and when I'm careful to offer up the thanks and the glory and speak openly about the tremendous things God has done in my life, I can't help but be in awe. For the most part,the demons that haunt my head and conscience are silenced in the presence of that awe. It is when I quit reminding myself or let those vicious inner voices speak over the remembering that I sink to a place that is very hard to reach.

God is much more awesome than me. I don't ever want to live on my own strength again. It's just not a very good place to be. And sometimes it takes someone like Moses, with his fits of anger and powerful intercessions and unquestionable compassion to remind me what's necessary and what it is I'm passing on to my child in any given moment. It's also testament to why we need to be in communion with God through the many channels available to us; He is still speaking to us and when we can't hear one call, He'll get through to us through another one. In whatever state of mind we find ourselves, we must still hold on to our commitment to God- He WILL find a way to direct our paths now matter how deafening our internal voices. It's a Truth for which I'm profoundly grateful.

Adonai, Master of the World, give us knowledge.
After giving us knowledge, accept our repentance.
After accepting our repentance, forgive our shortcomings.
After forgiving us our shortcomings, redeem us.
After redeeming us, heal us.
After healing us, bless our lives.
After blessing our lives, bring us together.
After bringing us together, judge us fairly.
After judging us fairly, defeat the evil in us.
After defeating our evil, strengthen our inclination to do good.
Now that we are holy before You, make the Earth heavenly for us.
Hear our prayers and make us worthy of Your goodness.

-from the Amida